Help! I’m Pregnant. One of My Co-Workers Is Not Going to Take It Well.

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Dear Prudence,

I just learned that I am pregnant, and I am elated! The problem is that I have a co-worker, “Colleen,” who has spent years trying to conceive and suffered her seventh miscarriage a month ago. In the time I have known her, Colleen has never been able to handle being around pregnant women or babies very well in light of her situation. Even if I don’t announce my pregnancy to my co-workers, it will obviously announce itself eventually. Avoiding Colleen isn’t an option since she is part of my team at work. What should I do?

—Happy For Myself, Hurting for Her

Dear Hurting for Her,

Thank you for approaching this with sensitivity. Here’s your plan. Send her an email or text (however you normally communicate) that she will receive when she’s not in the middle of her workday or at the office:

“Hi Colleen, I wanted to share with you personally that I’m pregnant. I’m very sensitive to all the feelings this can bring up as you navigate your own journey to becoming a mother, and I am heartbroken for you over your recent loss, so I hope to make it as easy as possible on you. My idea is that I will not discuss my pregnancy at work (it’s personal and I don’t really need Barbara from accounting weighing in anyway), but I wanted to see if there’s anything else I can do that might help. We can discuss over coffee on Monday (I only wanted to send this email at a time when it wouldn’t interrupt your workday), or you can write back whenever. I won’t be showing for some time, so there is no rush. Of course, if I am overthinking this and it’s not a big deal to you, tell me that too! Thanks for reading, and let me know if you have any ideas.”

Of course, the truth is, your colleague is in pain, and there’s only so much you’ll be able to do to make things better for her. You might get some concrete feedback from her, but your real goal in this exchange should be to show her that people take her experience seriously and that she’s not alone.

Dear Prudence,

I was tutored as a student athlete by a very awkward student. I returned the favor by inviting him to social gatherings. I later realized he had few friends, and he is likely on the spectrum. I decided to gently maintain the friendship and asked my friends (who hated his awkwardness) to bite their tongues until college ended.

It’s now been 10 years since we went to school together. He calls me regularly to chat about trivial things like a trip to Home Depot. The calls are annoying, long, and often poorly timed. He constantly reminds me that I am his best friend and was at his wedding.

I know I enabled him by swallowing my pride with these calls for a decade. It was only 30 to 45 minutes, and I feared he’d be devastated if I bowed out of his life. Sadly, he married into an emotionally abusive relationship, and he ignores my advice and his family’s advice to leave his spouse. He meets with a therapist, but he’s made little improvement in himself or his marriage.

My household just welcomed our first child. I’ve asked him to call at specific times and said I’ll take the call only if I have bandwidth at the time with my job, the baby, etc. He ignores this. My spouse wants me to block his number. I fear his fragile emotional well-being will get worse without my calls. I live across the country and rarely see him in person. His spouse does not allow him to travel. It’s just a call, but I’m sick of him. Do I listen to my conscience or my wife?

—Sick of My Friend, But Sorry for Him

Dear Sick of My Friend,

This is very hard, and you’re very kind. You really are. But I think you should pull away from the relationship significantly. You don’t necessarily need to block your friend’s number. But you can ask him to understand—just like you might ask many people in your life to understand—that you’re a new dad and phone calls can be tough. Say something like, “Things have been pretty crazy around here. Just so you know, I likely won’t pick up if I’m with the baby or the baby is sleeping, or if I’m just exhausted and need some time to myself. But we can try to catch up every now and then when it’s a good time for me to make a phone call.”

I know that your stomach probably got tied up in knots just reading that, and you’re probably wondering whether you’ll be able to handle the guilt. So I’ll offer a few points that might shift your perspective.

First, you’re not really doing anyone a favor by being a friend who merely tolerates them. We all deserve more than that. And you’re not giving this guy enough credit by assuming there’s no one out there who will relish his tales of shopping at Home Depot and find his awkwardness endearing. He deserves someone who does. You can be the kindest person in the world and still fall short.

Second, the evidence shows your presence has not significantly improved his life. He didn’t take your advice about his marriage. He doesn’t seem to be thriving as a result of your regular chats. Even his therapist—a professional—has not really been able to get through to him. So, while you say it’s your conscience telling you to stay in touch with him, I think it’s actually a little bit of misguided ego, too. You’re not his savior.

It would feel great to be able to give your time freely to everyone, but you only have so much of it. And now that you have a child, you need to be really strategic about how you use it. Please prioritize your family, where your attention will make a big difference. Forty-five minutes could be a block of time with the baby so your wife can shower or work, a meal prepared or cleaned up, or a long walk, talking to your child about the trees, leaves, and clouds. If your baby falls asleep in the stroller, feel free to pop in your headphones, call your friend, and listen to him explain his latest outing to buy a lawnmower as you stroll.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence, 

I’m a doctor, and my mother has a terrible habit of describing my dad’s bowel movements—size, shape, color, frequency—and asking me if everything is “normal.” She refuses to take the hint that she (and he) needs to discuss this with his provider since he would be familiar with my father’s history. I may be in the medical profession, but I’m still human, and this grosses me out. What can I do to stop this?

—Boundaries, Please!

Dear Boundaries,

You need to give her more than a hint. Try: “Mom, I don’t want to talk about dad’s poop ever again. It’s gross to me. I will teach you how to do research online to confirm or investigate any irregularities you think you might be seeing, or you can call Dad’s doctor.”

I don’t think sticking your fingers in your ears and going, “Hmmmm! Hmmm! I can’t hear you!” is generally appropriate over the age of 3, but you might have to pull that trick out if she does it again.

Classic Prudie

My partner is upset with me because, they say, I show no sympathy to them when they are sick. This is not true! When they first pop a fever, I make store runs for ginger ale or Gatorade or cough drops; I order their favorite matzo soup. But my sympathy ends quickly because my partner refuses to treat their symptoms…