Help! My Wife’s Father Isn’t Her Real Father—and the Rest of the Truth Is Sickening.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I have an 18-month-old son, and her younger sister and her husband have a daughter who is 2. A few weeks ago, my wife and her sister decided that it would be a fun project to create a family tree for the kids for when they are older, so we all purchased AncestryDNA kits. The results that came back for my wife showed that the man her mother was married to, whom she thought was her biological father (he passed away last year), was excluded. My wife assumed her mother had had an affair and confronted her. The truth turned out to be even worse.

Her mother revealed to her that she is the product of a rape committed by her ex-husband just prior to when she fled from him. My wife has been despondent ever since, and I am in the process of finding a therapist for her. What can I do to be supportive in the meantime? This has completely shattered her sense of self.

—I Wish I Could Make It Go Away

Dear Make It Go Away,

This is really upsetting. By offering compassion, helping to find a therapist, and trying to come up with other ways to offer support, you’re already doing great. I have three more suggestions:

1) Be patient. Don’t expect to just find her a therapist. Be prepared to find a second one and a third one if the first doesn’t work out. Let go of any expectations about when she’ll be over this news. And make sure you’re taking good care of yourself (maybe therapy for you, too?) mentally and physically so you can be the supportive partner she needs for the long haul.

2) Take on more responsibility when it comes to parenting. I’m talking specifically about the “mental load”—the stuff moms and dads have to keep track of in their heads. If there is anything that, until now, you just haven’t worried about because you figure she has it handled (looking into preschools, buying toys for the next developmental stage, purging new clothes, etc.)? Consider taking it on, so that when most of her thoughts are dedicated to processing the disturbing news, she won’t feel like things are falling apart in terms of parenting

3) Ask her. Just check in every once in a while to see how you can support her and if there’s anything special she needs from you. It might be something neither you or I would ever think of.

Dear Prudence,

Recently, my husband became physically abusive, and I left our home for my safety. For the past several weeks, I’ve been staying with my dad and his wife while I earn enough money for moving fees and a safety deposit on a new place. My dad seems very happy to have me here and somewhere safe, but his wife resents me being here. I do my best to be a good houseguest by staying out of her way, keeping the guest room neat, being quiet, helping with chores, etc., but she barely acknowledges me except to say “Hello” or “Good night.” However, she does complain about me regularly to my father, who then relays back to me everything she says (“Wife said you used the ironing board when SHE wanted to use it”). I try to get out of the house to be out of her way, but that doesn’t really change much of anything.

Other than just sticking it out with gritted teeth, is there anything else I can do to make this easier? I understand she probably wants alone time with my dad, but at the same time, her own adult son lives with them (the son and I get along well, so he’s not a problem) and my dad loves him like his own son. I’ve offered to move out to a friend’s place, but my dad has outright said he’d be too worried about my ex finding me there (since ex knows the friend’s address and has shown up there looking for me). Ultimately, I guess this is a minor problem, but I hate feeling so resented when I’m already dealing with a hellish situation with my ex.

—No Safe Landing Spots

Dear Landing Spots,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, I applaud you for leaving, and I’m really happy you had a safe (albeit uncomfortable) place to get back on your feet. I think I would file this letter in the “People Are Weird, Don’t Take It Too Personally” pile. I diagnose your dad’s wife with a combination of being shy, socially awkward, introverted, uncomfortable sharing her space, and afraid of confrontation. I don’t think she has anything particularly against you, and I suspect she’s treated others similarly throughout her life.

But to get a little bit of relief or insight, you should talk to her son. Say something like, “It must be a lot for your mom to have me suddenly living here. I feel like I don’t know her that well. Can you tell me more about what she’s like and if there’s anything I could do to make sure she’s as comfortable as possible while I’m here?”

The answer might be “She always irons on Tuesday afternoons so don’t use the board then.” But I imagine it will also include some background about her personality and quirks that will reassure you that you’re being a perfectly good guest and let you focus on the more important things in your life.

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Dear Prudence,

My biological dad is dying, and I’m not sure how to feel or what to do. He, by all accounts, was a terrible father. He never physically abused any of us, but he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, secretive, and vindictive. I’m 33, my sister is 35, about 15 years ago, we cut off all contact with him. He would send us birthday and Christmas gifts, albeit not thoughtful ones (we always got the exact same gift). In our youth, he would always talk about visiting us, but rarely did. On the few occasions he did make it out west to see us, we would end up arguing or silenced and feeling bad for it. So we eventually decided it wasn’t worth it and just stopped talking to him.

To be honest, my relationship with him as a child was much better than my sisters. She went so far as to change her last name because of the pain he had caused her. My sister is incredibly strong, and with the help of therapy she has worked through a lot of the trauma he caused us and her. Regardless, she still doesn’t want to talk to him and neither do I. Even though he never treated me as badly as he treated her, I absolutely adore my sister and will defend her to my dying day.

There is no way I can make amends with him if she can’t. I just can’t do that to her. And I don’t think I want to make amends with him. But he’s dying, and I know it’s my last chance to say something. I’m just not sure what to do. Please help!

—Difficult and Confusing Time

Dear Confusing Time,

“She doesn’t want to talk to him and neither do I.” I don’t know if you paused to absorb that sentence as you were writing it, but you don’t want to talk to your dad. Your letter didn’t mention anything in particular that you would want to say, or that he had asked to speak to you. I understand that deciding not to speak to someone in the final days and weeks before they pass away feels intense. But I would argue that it’s the years when they’re not facing death that are more important. During those years, your dad made choices that prevented you from feeling close to him. Going through the motions of speaking to him isn’t going to change that. I hope it’s easier for you to feel at peace with not making the phone call if you remember that the situation he’s in is because of his decisions, not yours. He was the parent and he fell short in some serious ways. One thing he did give you was your sister. You love her intensely, she treats you well, and she’s hopefully going to be here for a long time. Focus on her instead.

Classic Prudie

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and we have a wonderful relationship. Before we got married, we discussed what we thought were all the key deal-breakers: children, career goals, finances, etc. When we disagreed, one of us was always willing to reach a compromise. One thing we “agreed to disagree” about is gun control. I’m a pacifist and despise guns. He feels everyone has the right to bear arms. We had the worst fight ever last year over the fact that we do not have a gun in our home. We’ve been talking about having children, but I don’t want to raise a child in a home with a gun, and he doesn’t want to have a child in a house that is unprotected. I don’t want to have a child until we can work this out. How do we reach a compromise when we both have such strong views?