I Left My Mother-in-Law and Toddler Alone for a Minute. The Scene I Returned to Shook Me to My Core.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 2-year-old son, “Farley,” is a rather finicky eater.  Recently, my mother-in-law “Diane” was over when he asked for some Cheerios. I gave him a bowl of Cheerios, only for him to say he wanted Pops. They were out in a cupboard in our garage, and I went to get them. All of a sudden, I heard Farley scream and rushed back.  When I returned to the kitchen, Cheerios were all over the place and Farley was sobbing. I asked Diane what happened, and she explained that she had told my son, “You will eat your cereal or you will wear it.”  He had refused, and she dumped the bowl on his head. I made her leave and told her not to come back.

After this, I no longer want Diane around my son. When I told my husband about it, however, he actually thought it was funny!  He says this isn’t something worth “starting a family war over.”  What can I do to get him to see that what his mother did to our son was abusive?

—No Laughing Matter

Dear No Laughing, 

Once again, I’m just a girl asking a wife to take her husband to therapy. I don’t feel confident that your husband will take your words seriously enough when you try to (again) explain to him that what his mother did was (absolutely) abusive. Tell him that you’re deeply disturbed about both what happened and his reaction to it, and that you feel you need to talk to someone to get on the same page. In the meantime, it is worth your breath to keep reiterating that what his mother did was violent and certainly terrifying for a toddler. Your son is only 2 and I’d hope that until this point, he’d only been able to associate his grandmother with positive behavior. Her actions must have terrified him and may have undermined his sense of security. If your husband refuses to see the abhorrence of this vile act, you may need to consider to what extent your parenting philosophies differ, how that may impact your child, and how safe your child may be in his presence. It’s one thing for your husband to make excuses for his mother’s actions, but to laugh at them hints at his own propensity for cruelty. Hold space for the likelihood that his mother was equally terrible to him as a child; ask him about his own experiences and, if necessary, point out where they may have been inappropriate.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My ex-husband and I have a 13-year-old daughter, “Megan,” and a 10-year-old son, “Ian.”  Six months ago, my daughter left the house on her bike to go to a friend’s. When she was halfway there, she realized she had forgotten her inhaler and went back for it. That was when she discovered her dad in bed with a woman from his office. Megan told me about it, and my husband confessed to a three-year affair with the woman. Needless to say, that was it for me.

The problem is that Ian has been blaming his sister for our split. In his eyes, it’s Megan’s fault for telling me. Had she “kept her mouth shut,” according to him, the family would still be together.  I have tried explaining that when people get married, they don’t become romantically involved with others, and that Megan was right not to keep what his dad was doing a secret, but it doesn’t register. Ian’s relationship with his sister has more or less been fractured, so in addition to the shock of catching her dad cheating on me, she’s had to deal with her brother not speaking to her.  Is it time to get a therapist involved?

—Your Sister Isn’t To Blame

Dear Your Sister, 

Divorce is generally an appropriate time to get kids some professional help, and I think it would be especially useful considering the devastating circumstances. Ideally, your kids can speak to someone alone and together as a family. In the meantime, it’s time to hold Ian accountable for his treatment of his sister. Explain to him, again, that his father is solely responsible for the demise of your marriage and let him know that it is both inappropriate and cruel to be unkind to Megan for something that was no fault of hers. Let him know how painful it must have been for his sister to both witness that and to have to share it with you, knowing how the entire family will be impacted. Ask him to consider how he might feel if his own spouse cheated on him someday, or if he’d witnessed what Megan did (I would also consider the possibility that he might have done just that and said nothing about it). Encourage him to express his feelings about the divorce and acknowledge how much it must be hurting him; tell him how painful it has been for you to experience the demise of a relationship that you’d expected to be for life. If he continues to mistreat his sister, there should be consequences, such as a loss of screentime or missing a fun activity. Too often, young boys aren’t socialized to be empathetic to girls and women; it is important that your son recognizes just what you and your daughter are going through so that he doesn’t grow up to be the type of partner who will devastate his own family in such a way.

—Jamilah

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