Love Island: Beyond the Villa Recap: Say It With Your Chest

I am not a sports person, but watching this show has helped me finally understand what it’s like to be a Cleveland Browns fan. (Detroit Lions? Tampa Bay Buccaneers? I don’t know. Insert the team you think of when you think of “losing a lot, maybe even the vast majority of the time.”) I was really rooting for these guys! And every episode, I mine through the mess trying to point to at least one glittery nubbin of hope that maybe things will turn around. This week, they even brought out Megan Thee Stallion and Ariana Madix at halftime! Alas, let’s get into it.

Leah, Serena, and JaNa go to Malibu Wines to debrief on recent events. They reaffirm that Torin looks exactly like Aaron, and Serena wonders if Taylor and Aaron are secretly fucking. I’m tempted to say, “If only! Perhaps then Kaylor and Aaron would be less miserable!” But I’m fairly certain they’d still be having a terrible time, only in a different flavor. Like, instead of dealing with a bedbug infestation, they’d be dealing with toxic mold.

JaNa tells the girls about Kenny giving “serial killer vibes” at their anniversary dinner, as if they haven’t already discussed this extensively off-camera. He came over the next night and apologized, saying he sometimes shuts down while overstimulated. This is very relatable, and I’m almost tempted to give him a smidgen of empathy. A normal person probably would occasionally choke having a relational disagreement in the presence of a boom mic. But the producers are ON IT with the Kenny villain edit.

We see him talking about how he has to figure his shit out, given the whole Vegas vs. Dallas cohabitation situation. He says, “I have to consider I’m in a relationship, too. That’s important to me…” I know the whole “looking to the left after saying something means you’re lying” thing has been scientifically disproven. But bro says this like he’s filming a hostage negotiation tape. Leah and Serena talk about how they know if they’re going to marry someone after six months, but JaNa is hung up on doing things “the right way.” (One year dating, two years living together, six months engaged — and I’m so confused on all this math.) Anyway, JaNa seemed to be the only person having a good time filming this show, and it’s such a bummer that we can’t fast-forward to her dating around and positively thriving in her post-Kenny life.

Because no one wants to see Kendall dating around, yet here we are at mini golf. Alanah drives from Temecula, which is 2.5 hours away, then pretends to be mad when Kendall shows up 15 minutes late. In Los Angeles, being 15 minutes late is generally considered well within the forgiveness zone. Even 20 is reasonable if rush hour is involved. Kendall asks her about her ex-boyfriends, and does it in the way you ask someone how their day was because you’re frothing to tell them all about your own. He reveals he’s had two relationships and one of them was the one he had on national television for a few weeks last summer. It feels like filler content, and I’d rather watch an “only in America” commercial for a pharmaceutical product than suffer through Kendall bullshitting this girl about how much he “likes her vibe.”

In a bullshit-free world, Leah, Serena, and JaNa eat sandwiches with Ariana at Something About Her. Ariana tells the girls how proud she was of them every time they told a man to fuck off. Leah reports that she needs to marry Miguel. Serena talks about how proud she is of Kordell. JaNa claims that she and Kenny are good now, with the light fully sucked out of her eyes. She then gets a text from the producers Meg the Stallion, inviting all of them to a Miami runway show.

This trip is going to be like in The Hunger Games when the little groups have been off doing their own thing for too long, and the game masters have to manipulate everyone back to that spot where they store the food and weapons. I’m preemptively exhausted for all involved. Especially Kaylor, who is heading to the airport yet again since her grandma is in hospice. Somehow, I know in my soul this poor girl is going to have to go to Miami when she should be given space to just quietly do whatever they do in Pennsylvania for the indefinite future.

Liv and Aaron meet up to eat a “chocolate charcuterie board” and gab about Miami. They hypothesize that Kaylor is pushing away the people closest to her (them). Liv says she cares about Kaylor so much that she’d trade places to remove Kaylor’s bad feelings, but also none of that gives Kaylor the right to put other people down. Liv throws around words like scapegoat, and the only clear thing is that she doesn’t quite grasp what “scapegoat” means. I sort of feel like if your supposed bestie’s grandma is dying, maybe either check in on her or be quiet?

Kenny and Kendall also meet up. They capture extensive social media content of them cheers-ing their beers and Kenny shows the most enthusiasm we’ve seen from him thus far. About JaNa, one may think? Absolutely not! He is positively exuberant about going to Miami … not just Miami … MIAMI BEACH. “We’re gonna be IN THERE!” he squeals. Nothing against Miami Beach, but coupled with his beef with an innocent dog and his love of Katy Perry, the villainy arc keeps finding new heights. Kendall then informs him that Nicole is in town and they’re meeting up — Kendall feels he was stabbed in the back. Kenny trifles about the difference between public and private as if Kendall and Nicole ever really had a “private” to begin with. Kendall says he thought “being vulnerable would get him the girl that he wanted,” a wild way to phrase how he felt betrayed after saying “I love you.” (Reminder: Kendall and Nicole had a messy breakup post-reunion, to say the least.)

Meanwhile, Nicole meets up with Leah and Serena. She tells the other girls she’s single, she’s dating, she’s having fun. Serena thinks that if the whole video and reunion thing hadn’t happened, Nicole and Kendall probably would have had a shot since they’re so similar. It’s a very astute observation, especially when it comes seconds after Nicole says things like “got here today, bro!” and “one of the motherfuckers is 6’10”.

Over at JaNa and Kenny’s building, a guy from the animal rescue comes to shepherd Juan to another foster in Thousand Oaks. JaNa says it’s breaking their hearts, kissing Juan on the snout a bunch of times while Kenny does nothing. Presumably, he’s too excited about MIAMI BEACH. He then calls Kendall while in a confessional, a tactic I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before on a reality television program? Surely I have, but nothing is coming to mind. Really warps the ol’ concept of time and space. Especially since the call they have is about how Kendall is pulling up right then to meet with Nicole.

The meeting is anticlimactic. Everyone wears matching desert rose neutrals and makes small talk about L.A. The biggest point of contention is whether Kendall asked Liv and Kaylor to unfollow Nicole on social media. Kendall says he’s not petty like that and “didn’t hold a gun to their heads.” However, the footage shows Liv telling Aaron that Kendall specifically said, “Why are you following Nicole? Unfollow her.” I cannot bring myself to care about the Instagram notification he-said-she-said! Beyond that, they end up talking about regretting how things ended and Nicole apologizes for not showing Kendall more empathy. Both of them tell each other they deserve someone great. Awkward laughter ensues.

The real victory of this episode is that it was 100 percent Connor-free aside from a three-second-long TikTok clip of him at the gym. So about 99 percent Connor-free. I’d love it if we kept things this way moving forward. But alas, next week the whole gang is going to Miami, so I’m not exactly holding my breath.