My Daughter’s New Hobby Is Nauseating. And It’s About to Get Worse.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I have two children, “Amy” (age 13) and “Lizzy” (age 10). Amy has recently gotten seriously into cooking, which I’m glad about—but now that school is out, she wants to cook every dinner.. Amy is now cooking three or four dinners a week, plus lunches with my mother in the weeks she isn’t at camp. My wife and mother have been coaching her, and she’s getting lots of practice. But it’s not enough—she’s a horrible cook. Things are constantly under or over-seasoned. Pasta is almost always under cooked. Meats are overcooked and dry. The food ranges from mediocre at best to unpalatable at worst

My wife thinks I should just suck it up and let it be. She says Any only started in earnest a month ago and is slowly improving. Apparently if I did anything to curtail Amy’s constant cooking, I would apparently devastate her. Also, Lizzy wants to a paralympian and we have always supported that goal. My wife says we now need to support Amy’s interests in the same way or it would be devastating to her.

Lizzy doesn’t like the food either, but she tends to be a picky eater anyway, so her complaints don’t really bother Amy.

So I’m wondering, would it be a huge crime if, on days that Amy is cooking, I pretended to eat Amy’s food at home and had takeout from the local diner in my study later?

—“Gourmand” Dad

Dear Gourmand Dad,

There’s nothing wrong with you sneaking a sandwich after one of Amy’s meals, but what is Lizzy going to eat? It’s great that you want to support Amy, and I see the fear of seeming as though you’re not as encouraging of her as you are her sister, but three or four meals per week is just too much—especially since she’s also getting the chance to prepare lunches.

Consider cutting Amy’s cooking nights down to two nights a week for the remainder of the summer and one night a week during the school year. I understand that you don’t want to hurt Amy’s feelings, but this is a high stakes hobby! The whole household shouldn’t suffer for half the week just so she can practice. Let Amy know that you’re proud of her, but that you and her mother will be taking back on some of the cooking duties. Instead of letting your household meals be an experiment, let her practice cooking in smaller quantities on the weekends. You can also have her contribute a dish a few times a week instead of preparing the family’s entire meal. Soggy carrots might not ruin dinner, but combined with dry chicken and overcooked pasta? That’s too much to ask your family to deal with.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister “Wendy’s” husband “Tom” went down the MAGA rabbit hole five years ago. Relations with them have been difficult, but especially since I married my husband “Miles” two years ago (he’s Black, I’m white). I have a 14-year-old daughter, “Chasey” from my previous marriage, and last year Miles and I had a daughter, “Olivia.”

This past Fourth of July, our family went over to my parents’ for a barbecue. We kept a cordial distance from Wendy and Tom, but after about five beers, Tom came over to where I was sitting with Olivia and said that she “looked like a monkey.” Miles exchanged words with Tom, and Tom shoved him. It seemed like Tom was about to follow it up with a punch when Chasey came up behind Tom and gave him a well-placed kick to the balls (Chasey is nearly a black belt in karate). Tom crumpled to the ground, and we left with my sister and my brother-in-law screaming profanity (and the N-word) at us.

Now Wendy is threatening to sue, claiming that Chasey not only assaulted her husband, but that the kick left him impotent—she claims he hasn’t been able to get an erection since. My parents are begging me to make Chasey apologize for the sake of “family unity,” claiming that Tom “just had a few too many.” That’s not happening. As far as I’m concerned, I’m through with my sister and her bigoted asshole husband. I’m ready to give my parents an ultimatum to stop with the lobbying or they can say goodbye to their relationship with us as well. Given what happened, that’s a legitimate stance to take, right?

—Proud of My Young Ball Buster

Dear Proud,

I hope I’m not falling for a fake letter, because a racist getting kicked in the balls almost sounds too good to be true.

I’m glad to hear a bad guy got his comeuppance, but please advise your daughter against involving herself in physical altercations between adults. It’s great that she wanted to defend her stepdad (and her sister), but this man very easily could have responded to her violently.

I hope this was the first time Tom used this language with you or your family present. The only way to ensure it was the last time is to avoid functions where he is going to be there. This is about much more than differing politics; this man has proven that he does not see the humanity of your husband and daughter, and they are not safe in his presence. (I don’t think Chasey is safe either, because I wouldn’t put it past this man to retaliate.)

I realize that this puts your parents in a difficult position, but you should ask them what they think of what Tom said. It sounds like they are more than willing to be complacent, which makes me wonder just how safe your husband and youngest are with them, too. Let them know that you are not merely unwilling to make amends with Wendy and Tom, but that you are no longer going to places where they will be. If your parents are not able to adhere to this, then it’s best that you distance yourself from them as well. Make sure you remind them that when Tom uses the “N-word,” he’s not just insulting your husband, he’s insulting their grandchild. If they are unable to recognize this and act accordingly, they may not be as accepting of your family as you may have once believed.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My in-laws are complete potheads. This wasn’t particularly an issue until my husband and I had our son “Aiden” last year. I have requested that they refrain from lighting up if we are going to be coming for a visit with mixed success. On those occasions when we have come over and smelled that they have been smoking, we’ve left.

Last month, my husband and I both had a day-long conference out of town. We asked my in-laws if they could watch Aiden for us while we were out of town (my mother was unavailable). Our only ask was that they not smoke any weed while he was there. They agreed. When we came to pick him up that evening, the house reeked of the telltale smell.

I was furious and told them we won’t be coming back unless they give up smoking weed entirely. My husband thinks this is too harsh. Considering that they couldn’t even respect my wishes for less than 10 hours, this isn’t an overreaction on my part, is it?

—Baked Baby

Dear Baked,

It’s reasonable for you to ask your in-laws not to smoke when your child is in their care, but it’s not fair for you to ask that they quit smoking altogether. If they couldn’t do it for 10 hours, what makes you think they’re gonna give up weed for life? I’m going to assume that these people are, at the youngest, in their 50s, which means they’ve probably been smoking for a long time. It’s possible that they’ve even navigated working and even parenting while high. I understand not wanting them to babysit for you when they’re, but it shouldn’t bother you on other occasions.

Make peace with the fact that you in-laws just aren’t suitable caregivers for your child, but don’t let this impact your ability to go visit them or to attend family functions together. I can see if you had concerns about them driving or operating machinery, but if they’re just a couple older folks getting high at home, what’s the big issue? Marijauna is legal in nearly half the country and there are many adults (including myself) who are functional users. Again, it totally makes sense that you don’t want them watching your kid while stoned, but it’s not fair to give them an ultimatum regarding their ability to see him in the first place.

—Jamilah

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