My Husband Claims This Big Part of Parenting Is Entirely My Job. No Thanks!

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have a 3-year-old. His parents passed away before our kid came around. My parents live 15 minutes away, and we see them at least once a week. They are our go-to child care when we want to have a date night or go out with friends. Everyone likes each other, and there are open lines of communication. It’s pretty sweet.

There is one issue. My husband and I are currently at an impasse because he refuses to be the one who asks them if they’re free to babysit. A recent example: He wanted to go see a movie. I said, “Sounds great! Text my mom to see when she can watch the kid.” He never did. When I asked when we were going, he told me he never reached out, that it was my job to text her because she’s my mom.

On some level, I understand this: my parents, my responsibility. On the other hand, we’ve been together for 15 years! My parents want to watch our kid! And they are perfectly comfortable saying no if they’re busy. So my question is, since MY parents are the child care, is it always my responsibility to reach out and ask if they’re free? Or should my husband be able to shoot them a text when he wants to see a movie?

—Tired Thumbs

Dear Tired Thumbs,

I know texting your parents feels as though it should be no big deal for your husband, but asking others for favors is a hard thing to do. A lot of us struggle with this! It’s easier for you to ask your parents because they’re your parents. Is being the primary communicator what’s bothering you, or is it more about the principle of wanting him to feel comfortable asking?

If it’s the former, and doing all the planning overwhelms you, make that part of your compromise: “OK, I’ll ask my parents if you pack our kid’s backpack.”

But if you want your husband to ask your parents because you think he should inherently feel comfortable doing it, the bad news is that just might not happen. Some couples are married for decades upon decades, and one spouse still pauses before asking a favor from their partner’s parents. It doesn’t mean that there’s any tension between them or that your husband thinks your parents would say no. My guess is that he’s likely acutely aware of the fact that your parents are doing all of the traditional grandparent caregiving because his parents unfortunately passed away, and it stirs some feelings for him.

Our feelings don’t have to be rational to be real. When you mix grief in there, those feelings are even more amplified. I would give him a little grace here and pull him in with the other parts of the logistics of heading out, if he’s not already pulling his weight: He can be doing the packing, feeding, picking up, or dropping off.

What would be nice, though, is if you both could find more time for the two of you and your parents to spend more time together without the kids. Maybe it’s a nice dinner on the town, going to see a show, or—if your parents are like mine—a one-day trip doing something outdoors like fishing or camping. Finding low-stakes ways for your husband to spend more time with your parents might improve his overall comfort with them. As a plus, building this natural closeness might help him fill the void left by the loss of his parents. So call up a backup sitter—he can handle that part—and schedule some adult fun. But be sure to do it without any expectations.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My family moved to a new school district about a month ago. My 8-year-old daughter, “Fiona,” was worried about starting at a new school. She can be pretty shy, and she was bullied at her previous school for her interests and having a “wandering eye.” The family that lives in the house behind ours has a daughter, “Kylie,” who is the same age as Fiona. The two of them were playing a lot over the summer.

We recently got a list of who is in which 3rd grade class, and Fiona was really upset to find that Kylie is not in her class. She’s started talking about how worried she is about not making friends or being teased or bullied, which she was worried about before the move but hadn’t expressed in the past few weeks. My husband thinks we should just leave it be and tell her that this year will be different. I want to have Fiona moved into Kylie’s class if possible, but my husband thinks I shouldn’t because it’ll just make a big mess out of something that we don’t know is an issue yet.

—Moving Mom

Dear Moving Mom,

First, I totally hear your concerns. Third grade is already a tough year for kids. School starts to really get tough academically, and changing social dynamics as little kids grow into slightly less little kids doesn’t help. And, as a parent of a kid who has some differences, I know how much we worry about the things we can’t control. I think you’re right to be proactive, and I’m so happy that Fiona has Kylie nearby to hang out with.

I don’t think it hurts to ask if your daughter can be switched to Kylie’s class, but meter your expectations. It just might not be possible. Oftentimes, classes might be set and some may even be full. The school could also just not be willing to do it. However, I am of the strong belief that when it comes to helping my kid, there’s nothing I won’t nicely request. (You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar!)

But if Fiona has to stay in her current classroom, there are ways to make the best of it. If you can find the time, get to know other parents. Lounge around for a few extra minutes at pickup or dropoff, and see if you might naturally connect with any other third-grade parents. You might be able to organize playdates for Fiona, so she’ll have more friends she connects with outside of class, in addition to Kylie. It might also be worth taking a half day and volunteering at the school to build relationships with the kids. Who doesn’t love getting to know the Room Parent better? By knowing you, they might be inclined to include Fiona—and might remind them that although she’s new, she’s a kid just like them, with feelings and emotions and everything else.

I suggest this because although kids can bully each other, I don’t believe that most mean to inflict true harm. They often follow each other’s example, do what they think is popular and cool, and turn things into jokes that can be hurtful to whoever is on the other end. But when you ask them why they said something hurtful, and they really think about it, quite often, they’ll feel remorseful.

I’ll also add that our kids can be stronger and more resilient than we give them credit for. Keep talking to Fiona about ways to handle other kids. She might be more ready and confident at her new school than she was at her old school. Of course, it doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to do all that you can to prevent any bullying. But teaching her to stand tall and be proud of who she is, regardless, will always be a positive.

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

My mother-in-law, “Catherine,” has a major sweet tooth and keeps candy on hand all the time at her place. The problem is that my 5-year-old son “Grant” goes absolutely haywire if he eats even small amounts of sugar. Every time he goes over to Catherine’s place or when she visits, she gives him candy, despite my having explained to her on numerous occasions why I don’t want him to have any. The result is my having to deal with him practically climbing the walls while trying to manage our 1-year-old as well. My husband is no help and says that “spoiling the kids is what grandparents are for.” I can curb the visits to my MIL’s place so Grant doesn’t get hopped up on candy there, but short of searching Catherine for contraband before I let her in my door, what can I do?

—Candy Crushed

Dear Candy Crushed,

Actually, you can better control the “contraband” at your house. It’s also likely that your mother-in-law will have less candy on her person than what is potentially everywhere in her house. Plus, you can give her a gentle reminder when she arrives. So it might be better to have Catherine over on your turf more than you and your son go over to hers.

Kids also understand the difference between the norms at Grandma’s house and the norms at home. So, for example, if candy is outlawed at home, you’ll have a better chance at reminding him of that in an environment where he doesn’t have it. Catherine’s house probably feels like a candy store for him—with irresistible treats all around. And you want him not to have it? Please, Mom! But at home, he knows and understands the routine. So, it’s a bit easier to be the bad guy. Good luck!

—Arionne

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