My Mom Sent Me a Customized Teddy Bear. I Don’t Think She Knew What Was on the Voice Recording.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

A week ago I received one of those customized teddy bears from my mom for my birthday. The thing is, the voice message it came with is definitely NOT what she intended. And listening to it had me absolutely shrieking.

The message that played was a man’s voice that said some VERY sexually explicit things. I am at a loss as to what to do. My mom would practically die if she knew what this thing said to me, and if I contact the company, I’m sure they will contact her since she made the purchase. When she called to ask if I’d received the bear, I lied and said I had and loved it. She asked if I could play the message for her so she could hear how it turned out. I said I was at work and had to go, but I can’t put her off forever. What should I do? I was thinking maybe figure out a way to remove the speaker, break it and put it back in, and say it stopped working. Please help!

—Bawdy Bear

Dear Bawdy Bear,

There are companies that do these personalized teddy bears with voice boxes that expressly forbid explicit messages. The Build-a-Bear website, for example, states: “Recordings of copyrighted materials or profanity are not permitted. Recordings are reviewed and approved at the discretion of our Bear Builders.” Weird things happen, stuff falls through cracks, sure. But just know that I’m looking at your question askance, not entirely sure that it is legit. If it comes down to what I trust more, an anonymous user’s question or the integrity of a Bear Builder, I’m afraid I have to go with the builder. Their stakes are higher. They have to sew in those little bear hearts and everything.

But just to play along with you, I think breaking the speaker would be a good idea. Sometimes those speakers have a play and record mode on the device. If that’s it, you could record over the explicit message (just a few seconds of room tone) so that you don’t have to break it entirely and then you could just say it mysteriously won’t play anymore. You also technically could put your mom off forever by never being around the bear when she asks about it, assuming that she will stop asking one day. Or just tell her the truth. You don’t have to go into what was said, but this woman is aware of the concept of sexuality (after all, she had you) and that there is a spectrum of expression that goes from euphemistic to VERY explicit.

Leaning into reality might actually benefit you in ways beyond getting you off the hook for having to devise a series of charades to keep your piggy bear’s dirty talk out of your mother’s delicate ears. If your letter is true, you have a potential lawsuit in the making (imagine if they had sent such a thing to children!) or at least a potential viral video on your hands. Might as well monetize. When life gives you a sexually explicit teddy bear, make lemonade.

—Rich

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