There’s Only One Thing I Want to Know About My Wife’s Affair. She Refuses to Tell Me.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been married to my wife for 17 years. About 12 years ago, before we had a kid, she had a six-month affair with another man. We briefly separated and came close to divorce, but we went to therapy and we got back together. We had a child and, while our marriage has its issues, have generally moved forward quite well.

Our sex life is good for long-married, busy people with a kid. It is a little more routine than I’d like and, relatedly, my wife is not at all open to discussing desires or interests. We do what we do, and it is great, yet this is a point of some frustration for me. The big issue is that I have not been able to entirely move past the affair. While I do not dwell on it constantly, sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. I need to know more. There’s just one problem.

The affair is not something we have really discussed since having our child. A few months ago, I allowed myself to really dwell on it, and told my wife that I wanted to discuss it. I told her, or tried to tell her, that I wanted to know the story of those four months. Certainly, we discussed this when it all went down, but that was a very raw and emotional time, and whether I didn’t ask everything or I forgot it over the years, I don’t have a clear picture of why she cheated or what happened.

I feel I need this understanding in order to fully make sense of our relationship, and thus, in a way, my life. Part of it, certainly, is that I want to better understand the larger feelings that led to this—the disappointment, the sense that our marriage was not working out. But it is also true that I want to understand the sexual aspect of it, to know if she responded sexually to him in a different way than she does to me.

She is completely against re-opening the issue. Aggressively against it. Her position, essentially, is that this was a discussion that was had, or should have been had to my liking, when we got back together; and that now that we’ve shared so much since, and had a child together, it is cruel for me to make her rehash this episode. My position is that it is natural that this was an event that would be tough to shake, and it is reasonable that I need to work through it, even so many years later.  Indeed, now, when it is not so raw and when my outrage has subsided, it seems like a different, perhaps more insightful, conversation—one that does not require so much in the way of apology—could be had.

What do you think?

—Unresolved

Dear Unresolved,

To some extent, I understand both positions here. Your wife feels that you have collectively moved past her indiscretion, which she may still feel some guilt and/or shame about. Even if you have proposed discussing this as “a different, perhaps more insightful, conversation—one that does not require so much in the way of apology,” it may still trigger negative feelings that she would rather not revisit. Just as this affair is still affecting you all these years later, it may still be affecting her, just in a different way and with a different guiding philosophy on how to process it all. However, I don’t agree with her that you bringing this up is cruel, as that implies you’re doing this to punish her as opposed to pursuing your own sense of closure, which I am confident is what you are doing after reading your letter. Even if you thought you were over it before and led her to believe the same, you had no way of knowing how you’d feel about it in the future because you aren’t psychic. She should be offering you grace here, even if it’s hard for her to withstand.

You seem certain that talking this through will be beneficial to you, but again, you can’t read the future, so be careful. Think about how you’ll feel/react if she confirms your worst fears. Say you’re worried that she had an amazing, uncontrollable sexual pull to this guy because the sex between them was simply the best she’s ever had. What happens if she confirms this? You must ask yourself whether you’re better off not knowing certain things all these years later, when your relationship has progressed considerably. I don’t want to dissuade you from your path of inquiry, but I do want to point out that asking questions that you don’t want or aren’t willing to accept answers to is often a bad idea. What if it creates more division or upset? You’ve come such a long way.

Just make sure you’ve considered the potential ramifications of revisiting the full story. And let your wife know that this is important to you. This may require a series of conversations. She may shut you down. Be patient and persistent—perhaps attempt to revisit every few weeks or months. Show over time that you’re serious and explain why/what you think you’ll get from having what is clearly a very difficult conversation to your wife. If you don’t see movement after a few months, consider counseling. You should be taken seriously and having a disinterested third party do so may make it easier for your wife to accept this.

—Rich

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